Dear Mom,

The lilacs are blooming now. I remember how much you loved them, splashes of purple, with an intoxicating smell that no perfume or candle could quite capture to your liking. I haven't been by to see your bush. It's still hard to go there. I know I should check in on Dad more, Lord knows Mel isn't helpful at all. But your stuff is still everywhere like they're just expecting you to come walking in after work. It's all covered in 5 months of dust, right where you left it. It breaks my heart.

I never realized just how much you held everyone together. Dad still hasn't signed up for Medicare supplement insurance, and he's been skipping checking his sugars to save money on strips. Mel's foot still hasn't healed. Jerri feels abandoned by the both of them. I have no idea what is going on with Ben. I'm trying to step in a bit and help keep people together, but I still haven't figured out how you did it all.

My first year of nursing school is over tomorrow. If I've calculated my grades properly, I've passed everything. It was dicey there for a while, in a couple of classes, and boy, would it have been nice to talk to you about it. I think you held ME together more than I realized, because without you to talk to, I panic. All. The. Time. You believed in me without question, and now all I have are doubts and anxiety. You were my backbone. It's so hard to stand up without you. I lean on Steve a lot, but I think I'm slowly learning to stand on my own.

For now, I will smell the snip of lilacs I have sitting to my left. I will think of you and imagine you sitting here holding my hand, telling me I can do it. I will remember your love and your support, and I will move forward. I will strive to make you proud.

Love,
Mandy

P.S. Happy Mother's Day. You always said it wasn't fun without your mom, and I totally get it now. I hope you, Aunt Wanda and Grandma Clara are celebrating together this year. I love you all. <3